Like so many, I’ve hard time processing the horrific events of this past Friday. 26 people gunned down, 20 of whom are children (around my children’s ages) is so hard to comprehend. One of the first questions I grappled with was how to communicate with my children.
For me, it wasn’t a choice of whether or not to tell them.
They are bright and inquisitive 7, 7 and 5 year olds who are very tuned into the world. Children are a lot more aware than we perceive them to be. I knew I wouldn’t be able to keep them from hearing about the horror so I wanted it to come from me. Experts will say to start this conversation by finding out what the kids have heard. It was too early for mine to have heard. Here’s how it went for us.
I decided to talk to them while we were in the car en route to an activity. Car rides are an excellent time to speak with kids. There are fewer distractions and sharper attentions.
I used simple language without too many details. Along the lines of…”a very bad person did something terrible…”
I told them the truth without over sharing. They had a lot of questions…some I answered and others I didn’t.
I reinforced that they are safe and that this kind of thing doesn’t happen very often. I didn’t tell them this wouldn’t ever happen. I told them I felt confident in their schools keeping them safe. They shared that they participate in “lockdown drills” and that was good reinforcement of some of the safety measures in places in their lives.
I encouraged them to tell me if they have questions or feelings about the information I presented, whether in the moment or anytime. You’ll read a lot about kids feeling stressed and scared. Some kids may be more vulnerable, others might just seem to move on. Remember most kids are self-centered. Whatever the feelings are that are presented to you the parent, it is important to acknowledge them and reassure your child.
On Saturday my kids saw me watching the news about it. I let them watch for a minute then decided to turn it off as the news about this is very overwhelming. My daughter said she heard some info on her radio that morning so I was glad that we had already spoken about it.
You may have seen this wisdom being passed around from an icon in my childhood, Mr. Rogers. I think it’s great advice:
“When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, “Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.” To this day, especially in times of “disaster,” I remember my mother’s words and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers – so many caring people in this world.”
It’s also important to empower your kids to feel useful during trying times. In our case, my daughter came up with a brilliant idea on her own. She wants to write a letter to the students at Sandy Hook (912 Dickinson Dr., Sandy Hook, CT 06482). I’m very proud of her. 
Did you speak to your children, and if so, how did it go?
i didn’t talk to my 7 yr old yet….honestly i’m not sure i was planning to…i guess i was thinking of waiting until i had to though reading your blog makes me wonder if i ought to be the one starting a dialogue with her and not someone at school
i’m here if you want to talk about it:)
I agree about the news. It’s totally overwhelming, even for adults. I did not talk to my kids about it and now I’m curious if it will be brought up in my son’s Kindergarten class. You gave me an idea to check in with his teacher in the a.m. Thanks for posting.
I am curious to see what if anything will be said in school today. Thanks for your comment!
So very eloquent. I did the same. We sat down our twins & spoke with them before they heard it from anyone else. I too felt it was best that they get their answers & reassurance from my husband & I as opposed to the news reports or some other adult who may not be as reassuring.
Yesterday we went to church as prayed for the children & adults who died & especially for those who are left with so much pain in their hearts.
It sounds like you did a great job….thanks for sharing your experience.
Wonderful, will repost! You did such a great job!
Your feedback means a lot…thank you
Reblogged this on Teachsafety and commented:
It is hard to find the right words, the right moment. This Mom thought carefully about what would help her children, look for the helpers in life, lovely!
Great blog, Barbara!!! I completely agree with you, and it’s so much better for the kids to discuss the situation with you first before learning about it from others.
Thanks Mom